What Will Never Be Said

You let me down.
You disappointed me
and broke my heart.

I miss you in my life.
Although, come to think of it,
you barely ever were.

And now I blame myself.
If only I would have
and if only I wouldn't have...

Then,
maybe,
you would want to know me.

Maybe some day you will.
For now,
I am done
trying, hoping, waiting.

Names

Ever since I was in the second grade I knew what I wanted to name my first son. Wierd, maybe, but I knew. I had a name picked out and I stuck with it for a long time. When Tony and I were dating and talking about kids, I let him know that I wanted this name and made him like it, despite the fact that a kid with the same name bullied him as a kid. Then I found out I was pregnant. And slowly the name has faded and I don't like it anymore. I think Tony is happy I have moved on.

And I never could decide on a girls name. And Tony is pickier than I am. So, we have no names. Hopefully when we find out the gender, we will have an easier time deciding. But for now, we can't think of any that we love. Some that we like, that are ok, but none that we could picture naming our child.

So, we would love any suggestions for names. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1- We would prefer a name that means something.
2- We want a name that is fairly unique, but not bizarre.
3- If the name lends itself to nicknames, fine, if not, fine.
4- If you make a suggestion, please don't be offended if we don't use it. It doesn't mean we don't like you.

And also, since we don't know the gender yet, we would love to hear your guesses as to what it is that I am growing.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. We look forward to your input. :)

A Snowy Farewell

This morning Tony and I made our way (slowly) to help with minor last minute packing and say good bye to some really good friends.

We have known Tim and Stephanie for just over a year, and in that time we have become quite fond of them. They are truly great people and we hope to be lifelong friends with them.

This morning they left to begin the next step of their journey. First, they will be visiting family for the holidays. Then they will be living in Vermont, each of them working an internship, at Yestermorrow Design/Build School. Yestermorrow is a unique design school that seems to have been created just for these guys. Their time at Yestermorrow is currently planned to last one year. Who knows where they will be next. I'm not so secretly hoping it is somewhere close to us, but you never know.

Saying good bye today felt no different than any other time we have given hugs and walked through the doors to come home. But, soon I am sure it will hit me that we can not just stop over for an unannounced visit, plan a night to make dinner together, or spend a day at the library.

Their departure was certainly bittersweet. I am beyond excited for what they will experience in the next year and the many ways they will grow, both individually and together. Yet there is the selfish part of me that will miss them tremendously.

Love you guys and wish you safe travels and wonderful memories.

Perspective Check

For various reasons I fully expected our trip to Arkansas to be a bit difficult. Yet it seems that no matter how I try to prepare and anticipate for challenging situations, then adjust my expectations and plans accordingly, it doesn't make anything easier.

Our trip started with a bit of a rough drive, making me one tired and cranky person. When we arrived in the middle of the night I was in no way prepared to socialize. I wanted to go straight to bed, but his grandparents were eagerly awaiting our arrival and were excited to talk.

Waking up the next morning and starting our week I was quickly annoyed and put off by many things. I was way out of my comfort zone and not feeling well. To add to the stress, Tony's grandparents have a different way of living and thinking than we do. They are sweet and kind people, but sharing living space with people that have a different lifestyle than you do is difficult.

Last night we were all sitting around talking and I was doing my best to participate in the conversation without judging or getting annoyed. And something changed. Paul and Ada were sharing their stories, talking about their lives.

Finally they were not talking about their political or religious views, discussing other people and their shortcomings, or complaining about health problems. They were talking to us, not at us. And I was finally in a state of mind and had the energy to engage in conversation, asking questions and wanting to take full advantage of learning about what has made them who they are.

For the first time, I saw them as people. People with hurts and pains, hopes and fears, and lives full of story just like the rest of us. That quickly changed my sour attitude.

I am sure there will still be moments of struggle, but I hope I can remember how I felt last night. I hope I can keep a healthy perspective and give them the respect they deserve. And maybe, just maybe, I might have a little fun along the way.