Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Over the last few weeks, we have endured a lot. When Tony's two weeks of vacation were up and he was working from home during the third, we knew that we needed someone to help us out so Tony could get back to work.

We ended up hiring a doula to help me with Levi and Ian during the day, as well as with house work, for three days a week and relied on friends for the other two. The doula we hired was wonderful. I had met her during my prenatal care at my midwife's office and she was the one who encapsulated my placenta. She visited me during Ian's hospital stay, and I always admired her peaceful and kind nature. The details fell into place exactly when we needed them to.

During the second week of her assistance, I was starting to feel more and more like myself. I had been on my medication for a couple of weeks at that point and I had also started therapy. We were finding a rhythm, and life felt less overwhelming.

This past weekend our friend Daniel and his two boys were able to come for a visit. There was no way I would have been able to handle it a week ago, but I felt confident that their visit was at the perfect time to be fun and enjoyable for everyone. While they were here we had a wonderful time. We were able to make it to the local farmer's market, check out the zoo, and even take a day trip to the Strong Museum. We were all exhausted by the end of their visit, but it was the best kind of exhaustion. I was thrilled to be participating in life again.

Monday morning they were planning to leave, and I had a doctor's appointment. I left Levi with Daniel so I didn't have to wrangle two kids in the office. While there, Daniel called to tell me that our landlord informed him that we needed to vacate the house for the day while painters worked to remove the paint on our house that most likely contained lead. Fortunately he was able to talk with the landlord to advocate for us since I was busy and unable to deal with it at the moment.

We ended up staying in a hotel for two nights and came home this morning. What transpired in those two days was nothing short of stressful and chaotic. And it knocked the wind out of my sails. While most people could have taken it in stride, I was just getting my footing and it was simply too much.

Things are worked out now (as far as I know) and it should be smooth sailing from here as far as the painters go. I am hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

I cry a lot lately. I need to ask for help much more than I am comfortable. I struggle sometimes to take care of my children, but their needs are being met and I am the best mom I can be right now.

This week has taught me that postpartum depression doesn't disappear overnight. I will make progress, and have set backs. There will still be moments that the only thing I want to do is run away and never look back. But there will also be moments that I get to enjoy the sound of my toddler laughing. I know that there will be a time that those good moments will be much more frequent than the hard ones, and that soon I will be able to savor them properly.