Disconnected

Standing at Mars Hill, listening to the worship songs play and the people singing along, all I could think about was how disconnected I felt. Disconnected from all of these people, disconnected from worship, my heart disconnected from my head.

As the songs concluded, the speaker got on stage and spoke to my heart. I deeply connected with what was said, and was grateful we made it to this service.

But then we slipped out the doors without any meaningful interaction with another person, left the parking lot, and I wonder why not just listen online?

We have been attending Mars on quite a regular basis for nearly two years now, and yet there are only a handful of people I know from there, only two of which we are close to, and they happen to be traveling across the country right now.

The main reason we started attending mars is the exact same reason why I feel so disconnected; we needed a place where people didn't notice that we weren't there on a Sunday. We were warn out and deeply spiritually wounded from the way we were serving, as well as all the hurtful politics and petty conflicts within the small church we grew up in.

This large church not only offered a breath of fresh air, but we strongly felt the direction they were headed could show us our way as well. We walked away from most of the gatherings feeling, wow, that was exactly what we needed to hear and it gave us the hope that the Church is good.

And that played a major role in our decision to move away from Muskegon, closer to this place that offered authentic community for those who sought it and spoke often of Grace and Peace.

As time passed, we tried to get connected. To find this allusive community that Rob Bell speaks so often of. We have tried, we have stretched ourselves in many ways, and yet we have no community that we are a part of, no group of people to share life with, no kind people who surround us with love as we go through some difficult and dark times of our lives.

So now what?

Keep attending and working on finding community? I think that Mars Hill is doing good in the world, that they are showing people the love of Jesus, that there is something very special about that place, but it has its flaws, as do all churches, and I just don't know if it is where we are supposed to be anymore.

Find another church? There are plenty to chose from, but I wonder what the point would be. Besides, where would we even begin to start? I don't want to be a lifelong church-hopper. I hate looking for churches.

It feels like a blind date every week, and you are in control of whether there will be a second date or not, and if there is a second date, that means you are pretty serious and marriage is right around the corner. There is no "taking it slow" when attending a church. Each week that you are there is a major commitment. But how can you get an accurate idea of a church in one week?

Stop going to church? That goes against something deep within me, but I can't truly honestly offer real answers as to why it is so necessary to attend a church regularly, especially when the church you are attending doesn't even know you are there.

So, I am disconnected. I am hopeful that this angst in me means that there is something good around the corner, that God is preparing me in some way for something. But I am also afraid that I will continue to be disappointed by Church and this angst is in vain.