Impossible

My mom called me the other night. We have been talking on a somewhat regular basis, and for those of you that know me well know how huge that is.

This time I could hear in her voice that she was not doing very well. She had the flu on Sunday and anytime she gets the flu she runs the risk of having a relapse with her MS and with the recent drug that she is on there are limited options of treatment when she does have a relapse. Monday she started the safe treatment and was having a rough day.

She also received an email from someone in our lives that is currently very upset with her (let's call her Jane). As my mom told me all of the things that were in the email, I cringed. Many of the things that were in the email were things that at one point I desperately wanted to tell her as well, but hearing them now just made me sad. My mom was actually trying to find the truth in the email. She wanted to know what things that Jane told her were things that she needed to work on.

That conversation was deeply healing and strangely saddening. I am amazed by the place we are at. I am so glad that my mom and I can have that kind of conversation and the only tears that might be shed are because of compassion and not anger or hurt.

My fear in beginning to talk to her again was that we would end up in the same place we always end up. But this time, something is different. It feels healthy. I am full of hope that this will continue to grow, and full of gratitude for the healing that has occurred.

I find myself so depressed about my back and so focused on the current pain and frustration I am in and forget what has already been done. One year ago, I was ready to cut my mom out of my life completely (and did for some time). I didn't see any other option. Now, I don't see how my back is going to get better.

But in one year, who knows where I will be. My back most likely will be better, but I am sure there will be another difficult situation that we are smack dab in the middle of that makes us feel like life is impossible.

So there is hope. I am trying to choose to stay positive (which is really challenging for me) and look at the good that is happening. So that is why I am writing.